Do you think you matter?
Each and every one of us has a private and distinct past. A time of childhood, youth and even early adulthood that has shaped who we are today. In later years, 30 or 40 on, that past, staying forever with us, evolves and manifests, emerging as a kind of shadow, a whispering voice, the little person inside who is the final remnant of who we were, microencapsulated now but forever reminding us of our place in the world. It determines who we are and where we fit in. There is only one sole purpose for this little entity, and that is the task of narrating the world for us. Dictating, defining, summarizing. It’s all about you or me. We as individuals. The nature of us. How important we are and how we relate to the surrounding society.
The voice I speak about, which in past writings I have referred to as “The Internal Demon” has been born out of this earlier time, this past life, a childhood or young adulthood and is primarily designed by the socialization, upbringing, family environment and past learned experiences which we cling to as we proceed through down our personal path. For the rare and lucky individual, this voice is a positive and loving entity. But for most of us it is simply a reinforcement of long standing family issues, old wounds and unhappy memories that have been somehow burned into our consciousness.
As children and young adults, the people who matter the most, who shape our world and define our very personhood are those who are closest to us. Parents, and immediate family, teachers and caregivers. These people have their own baggage, their own memories and that internal demon that rattles on bringing a long standing heritage of unique behaviors and ideologies with it.
During most of our lives we perceive our guardian figures as wanting only what is the ultimate best for us. After all, why wouldn’t we believe only that? These are family members. These are the people we should trust. These are the people, who in this world have only our best interests at heart.
So, we do what they want. Sometimes that’s because they tell us it’s the right thing to do and we believe it. Other times because of a powerful desire to please. Most often it’s the only guidance we will get and therefore we rely upon it like a beacon guiding us toward our own independence. The problem is that nasty chattering voice. The voice that is a significant part of every single person on this earth, even those people that we are so influenced by in our formative years. It is the one element about ourselves, and those who came before us, that prevents us from moving forward into our own freethinking space and existence. The one that holds us captive even into our golden years.
Going out into the world as an adult is not for sissies. Most people tread carefully with an element of fear in every step. They pass ideas, concepts, rules and behaviors on through their words and through their deeds. Often, they lead us in certain directions, instruct us, make demands from us because it makes them feel safe, superior, happy or even relieved of the arduous task of full blown, positive and thoughtful child rearing. They are people, after all. They were individuals with their own beliefs and their own wounds a long time before they were parents. Sometimes we forget about this. So, their words, their actions even the act of ignoring us when we are truly in a state of need, will begin to merge therefore taking on an independent life and burying itself very deeply in our mind and in our very souls as that chattering, negative little voice that is designated only to determine what it is we cannot, do, be, or achieve.
But it can be worse than that. Your internal demon has the distinct ability to make you believe that you don’t matter at all. If you grew up in an environment where your parents or caregivers were preoccupied with their own business, with themselves or heaven forbid, with their own silly problems and neglected you during the most tender of times you have probably be carrying around a feeling that you don’t matter for the better part of your life. This would not be unusual.
Over 85% of all families that exist in the world today could be called dysfunctional. And those are just the ones we know about. I argue that just about 100% of all families are dysfunctional which is a modern way of saying that they are in every way a little bit crazy. All this craziness that occurs in the privacy of the family home can become trapped in your mind like your own little house of horrors. When you finally escape and begin living independently you may learn to do things your own way but that little chattering demon will have comfortably taken a spot inside of you and now will be doing the job so artfully begun by your parents or caregivers. In other words, those outworn but intensely damaging philosophies will be traveling with you everywhere in the world you choose to roam.
And here’s the thing. Aside from old memories and programming telling you that you don’t have what it takes to realize your dreams, the little demon inside of you will have the power to affect all other aspects of your life like intimate relationships, friendships and the ability to accept or reject, as you see fit, the agendas of other people. So, you see, the overwhelming feelings that you don’t matter that have been gleaned from those earlier formative years can influence so many areas of your life that it’s no wonder most people are unhappy. We are living out the ideas of others instead of our true selves.
True Bohemians don’t live like this. They have learned to recognize that they are being dominated by historically damaging programs which spin around and around in their heads led by a chattering little demon whose only job is to decimate the most spectacular dreams and splendid plans. Eliminating or even simply taming the demon is not an easy task to manage and often takes the better part of a lifetime to effectively execute. Even with that, it’s an ongoing process. It will seem as you proceed down the path to your ultimate destinies that the problem would be eliminated and that the voice inside you would grow weaker until you can barely, if ever hear it. But that probably won’t be the case. In fact, the demon you seek to so efficiently exterminate will probably morph into an even larger and more sinister threat damning you with every act of excellence you pursue. We are led. Often, we are led by what we think is instinct but in fact it’s a kind of learned behavior that needs fine tuning. It’s never easy to manage our own insufficient behavior, even when it is obvious that we are living that way, but there are steps that can be taken to begin the process of unravelling the mess in our minds and begin to follow a path of greater self fulfillment.
Simplicity is key here. Beginning the process of taking control of your life can start with the very basic practice of developing strong no and yes muscles. Learning when to say no but also learning when to say yes, “I want that” may sound easier than it is but it will “prime the pump” for any future alterations of character, and this can be a beautiful thing.
Without question it takes decades to develop a useful understanding and belief in yourself, and yet some people go to their graves without it. Only the authentic Bohemian will adapt by engaging themselves with a few simple rules that can go a long way toward full blown adult independent thought. Naturally the idea here is to chase away, or at least effectively manage that internal demon, the evil acts…the chatterbox voice.
Beyond that, it should be a given that a true Bohemian maintains a pride in themselves…who they are and what they can bring to the world. It’s important to stop chasing the things that don’t matter any more whether that be a project or a relationship. It’s not failure when things don’t go according to the original plan. It’s simply realizing when the fit is just not right and it’s time to move on. If you meet and fall in love with someone who does not share your vision, who rejects that tender you inside that desires love, comfort and passion, realize that you are worth more than that. And if that same person doesn’t see the beauty in you both inside and out, move and on and don’t blame yourself. If you’ve done all you can, be proud and understand that it’s a bigger loss for them then will be for you.
Finally, take care of yourself. A true Bohemian knows that presentation is important. Look your best, dress for the world, be clean, smell great, show yourself to the world in the best light you can. Choose your personal style and celebrate it.
Remember that in everything you do…you matter.